


Comprehensive Sex Ed Comes to Camelot

by tehfanglyfish



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: F/F, Gen, M/M, awkard knights, gwaine saves the day, nothing graphic but anatomical terms are mentioned, sex ed in camelot, very brief hints of arthur/merlin pre-slash, very likely crack fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-09-23 00:02:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17069717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tehfanglyfish/pseuds/tehfanglyfish
Summary: A surprise announcement from Gwen and Morgana leaves Arthur and the knights in need of additional instruction.The trouble began when Morgana and Gwen ran off together one night, leaving behind a cryptic note about Old Religion marriage rites, true love, and smothering the patriarchy under warm woolen blankets.I do not own Merlin. The only profit I received from this endeavor is the joy of writing.





	Comprehensive Sex Ed Comes to Camelot

The trouble began when Morgana and Gwen ran off together one night, leaving behind a cryptic note about Old Religion marriage rites, true love, and smothering the patriarchy under warm woolen blankets. A thorough inspection of the castle yielded few other clues, though Geoffrey of Monmouth reported that the Camelot library was missing its limited collection of books on raising sheep and knitting. Maps of northern islands, along with a considerable number of gold coins, had disappeared as well.

Arthur couldn’t help but feel somewhat disappointed. Desperate for family connections, he’d tried earnestly to reconcile with Morgana following Uther’s death, allowing her to return home and even pursue high priestess training in secret. Arthur had thought things were going so well – he couldn’t fathom why Morgana had chosen to leave. His explanation came a few months later with the arrival of a parcel containing a haphazardly-knitted woolen tunic and a note from Morgana announcing her marriage to Guinevere.

“And it turns out that they’ve started a sheep farm together on a remote island where they knit assorted clothing and blankets for sale,” Arthur explained to his knights as they eyed his new and unique tunic at the next council meeting. “I think Morgana’s really getting the hang of knitting. This tunic is quite comfortable and incredibly regal. It’s rather stunning, isn’t it?”

Merlin made a face. Gaius intently pondered the craftsmanship of the round table. An awkward silence set in.

“Certainly no other ruler in the five kingdoms will have one identical to yours, majesty” Leon offered charitably.

“It is indeed woolen, sire,” Gaius stated.

The silence returned.

“So, um, sire,” said Percival, hoping to shift the topic to anything but the tunic, “you say that they are married? To each other?”

“Oh yes. That’s what the letter said. Apparently within the Old Religion marriage between those of the same gender is permitted. You might know more, Gaius”

“Yes, sire. The Old Religion believes that love rather than gender is what is most important for a strong union. In fact, prior to the ban on magic, marriage practices had been more… permissive… in Camelot” Gaius added.

“Hmm” was all Percival could reply. It appeared that he and several other of the knights were lost in thought.

“But,” Elyan started and then stopped, trying to get his thoughts ordered. This took a moment as he realized that he was having these thoughts about his sister. “It’s just. If. Um… it’s the two of them. I mean, if it’s Gwen and Morgana… and they’re married… how… how do they? Because… it’s just that… you know… they’re… I mean, they, um, they don’t… they don’t have… um…”

“Don’t have what?” Arthur asked.

Elyan tried to will himself out of existence and failed. He took a deep breath.

“They lack… I mean, they are without, um…”

Understanding what Elyan meant, Percival tried to help.

“A sword,” said Percival, “they don’t have a _sword_.”

“Right,” said a relieved Elyan. “Neither of them have a sword. So how can they… you know?”

Arthur gave them a look, clearly confused. “Even as a lady, Morgana is well-trained in combat. I’m sure she took a sword when leaving Camelot. And with her magic, she could likely defend herself and Guinevere even without one. Your sister is safe.”

Elyan shook his head, tried to speak and couldn’t.

Aware of Elyan and Percival’s meaning, Leon entered the fray.

“Not, er, um, a literal sword, sire,” Leon said, his face turning Pendragon red. “But, you know, the sword… that all men carry.”

Merlin and Gwaine dared to share a look, tried not to crack up, and failed miserably.

“Oh,” said Arthur, trying to ignore the hysterical laughter erupting from his servant and his knight. “Oh. Oh I see. Yes, I hadn’t thought of it that way, what with Morgana being my _half-sister_ and all. But you’re right. Neither of them have, um, a sword. So how do they…? Or maybe they don’t. I doubt that they do. They are women after all and women only do… that… to become mothers. I think. That’s what my father told me.”

Gwaine stopped laughing so that he could facepalm while Merlin grimaced. He really didn’t need the thought of an Uther sex talk.

“Gaius?” Arthur asked. “That’s right, isn’t it? I mean about women?”

Gaius sighed. “Actually, majesty, it is quite common for women to, um, feel… desire… outside of a maternal impulse. And to find considerable enjoyment in the act. Some women even engage in… solitary pleasure.”

Leon looked confused.

“He means that ladies like to wank,” Gwaine explained. Gwaine, being Gwaine, had a practical knowledge of such things even if he lacked Gaius’s medical training.

Another silence settled in throughout the room.

“But… um… how?” Elyan asked again. “I mean… without a sword.”

“There is a way,” Gaius replied. “Ladies have their own… unique… method. Their anatomy is different but such… solitary pursuits… are entirely possible.”

“Well that’s news to me,” stated a contemplative Arthur. “Gaius, I feel that there is much that my father failed to tell me about this matter.”

Merlin failed to hold in a snort.

“And,” Arthur continued while glaring at Merlin, “from the reactions of those in this room, it is apparent that many of my most trusted knights are also poorly informed in this era. Therefore, Gaius, it falls to you to instruct us in these matters. We shall convene tomorrow afternoon for your first lesson. But now, it is time for sword practice!”

Merlin’s knees buckled and Gwaine fell out of his chair as hysterical laughter again consumed them. Gaius sighed and gave Merlin The Eyebrow.

 

The following afternoon found Arthur and his knights gathered around the round table yet again. Merlin had hauled in numerous books Gaius had selected to aid with instruction. There were texts on anatomy, childbirth, and even a few of the more descriptive romances that Geoffrey kept sequestered from the general collection in the castle’s library as part of an old directive from Uther to “preserve the moral integrity of kingdom.”

Aware of the monumental task at hand, Gaius decided to proceed from a strictly academic standpoint. He began with the anatomy texts, teaching his students the proper medical terms for body parts. It took a few tries, but eventually he had the group shouting out “vagina,” “clitoris,” “penis,” and so forth in unison. (Though the king had only requested instruction on “the hidden secrets of ladies,” Gaius felt that all of the previous day’s references to swords necessitated a broader curriculum.)

Gaius then moved on to more complex topics. He watched as several of the knights’ faced paled when he explained menstruation.

“I never realized Gwen went though _that_ each month,” Elyan quietly muttered to himself.

Discussions of pregnancy and childbirth led to thoughtful reflection as well as looks of horror.

“So by tearing,” Leon began, “you mean that the skin actually…”

Gaius nodded.

Leon looked as though he might pass out and Percival shuddered. Merlin, having assisted Gaius with several births when no midwife was available, just nodded.

Gaius continued his lesson. Because he wanted his pupils to have a strong scientific understanding, he made a conscience effort to include findings from the most renowned Greek physicians, including Hippocrates’ concept of the wandering womb.

“The uterus is essentially like an animal within an animal. Depending on its location, it can cause a woman to behave erratically.”

“So that explains Morgana,” Arthur said thoughtfully, proud of how this new learning had helped him better understand his sister.

“This information is quite helpful, Gaius,” Elyan stated, “but I am still unsure as to how two women would… engage in pleasure… without a sword… penis! I mean a penis.”

“Ah,” said Gaius, “let us return to the sketch of the vulva. Now if you remember the clitoris that we briefly discussed… it, um, can be… stimulated… for… pleasant results…”

Recognizing that Gaius was losing a bit of his confidence when moving away from his strictly academic lecture, the ever-gallant Gwaine stepped in to offer assistance.

“Gaius, if you don’t mind, I’ll take over from here.”

Gaius nodded in relief and sat down. He hadn’t realized that teaching could be such an exhausting undertaking.

Gwaine launched into his own lesson, revealing in graphic detail the answer to Elyan’s question. While Gwaine’s terminology might be considered more vernacular than medical, he offered a very thorough and, it had to be acknowledged, thoughtful presentation on the ways in which pleasure could be created without the use of a sword. Gwaine addressed the use of fingers, mouths, and other implements, he heavily emphasized the need for adequate lubrication, and repeatedly stressed the extreme importance of mutual respect and enthusiastic consent.

Gaius observed that several of the knights had taken far more notes during Gwaine’s presentation. He tried not to feel offended.

“Finally, gentlemen,” Gwaine said as he concluded his lecture, “it’s very important not to make assumptions. After all, there are some ladies who do have swords and some men who do not. I think I’ve covered some good basics for you. If you have any questions at all, feel free to ask.”

Arthur stood to conclude the meeting.

“Thank you, Gaius and Gwaine. I feel this session was most valuable and that the rest of the kingdom should receive similar instruction. To promote health and happiness. And domestic tranquility.”

With a lot of new information to ponder, the knights slowly filed out of the room, lost in thought. Gaius started packing up his books, stacking them on Merlin’s outstretched arms.

“Sir Gwaine, a word if you will,” Arthur called.

Gwaine approached, watching Arthur stare at Merlin trying not to buckle under the load of heavy tomes.

“Your lecture was most informative. But if, um, there were, um, two people and say that they both had… swords… could that… I mean, how would you recommend…? I am, of course, asking for a friend.”

“A friend, eh? Well, friendship is a noble cause, sire. I’d be happy to share what knowledge I have.”

Gwaine, flashing Merlin a wicked grin that caused the pile of books to topple, sat down beside his king to impart the knowledge of the ages in quiet whispers while Arthur wrote down copious notes. If those notes happened to also include reminders to investigate revisions to Camelot’s marriage laws and to send an elaborate thank-you package to Morgana and Gwen, well, that was all purely coincidental and entirely unrelated.

**Author's Note:**

> The ancient Greeks had some interesting (and so completely wrong) ideas about female anatomy. Some of those ideas persisted into the medieval era. Though it’s not the most academic source, this [Wired](https://www.wired.com/2014/05/fantastically-wrong-wandering-womb/) article gives a good overview, including the theory of the wandering womb, which was actually a thing.


End file.
